pensées

i have never had a valentine date, flowers, jewelry (my!), getaway or anything valentine that has made it to my "precious moments" list. i know my exs (s?) would probably get mad at me for saying that but what the hell, that is the truth. so what i have always been doing my whole life is making other people’s valentines beautiful because mine never seens to be one. do i sound bitter? maybe… sometimes i hate it that i am so romantic and that maybe i should have just been a guy and made my girlfriend the luckiest girl in town… or i might not be like this though if i were a guy… (oops@!)

what exactly am i trying to say? i finally got my valentines gift this year that made it to my list. you know who made it special for me? the ONLY one who always wipes my tears and spoils me to death… my Lord Jesus Christ. He loves me so much i couldn’t even begin to attest all of the wonderful things He has given me my whole life. but this day, He gave me one of the things i have been praying for quite some time now. It has been a while since i felt happy and excited about something.

This blog is for you my Lord for giving me "flowers" this valentines. I love you and thank you so much.

i drove 280 miles from North Las Vegas to Irvine in 3 hours and 45 minutes… i am so proud of myself! thanks to Tim for leaving me no choice but to drive alone… he said that was a veteran time and was proud of me too…

you know, i honestly loved the drive. the sun was high and gave me a wonderful view of the mountains and the clouds was half white half blue… i loved the power of speeding (80-95 mph) and the way the cars on the left move to the right when they see me coming… right on sistah! hahaa… deng, thank God there was no police partol in site… i plugged in my ipod to barcie and i sang the ride away… i bet people on the other cars think i’m crazy but who cares, i was having a nice time listening to my favorites while trying my best not to kill myself…

1.28.07 - i am now officially a seasoned driver… good job, barcie!

miss ko nang mag-beach,

humiga sa sand ng walang pakialam

habang umiinom ng melon shake (without milk)

miss ko nang magpamasahe,

sa may salon namin ni ate…

miss ko nang ma-excite

yung pag-gising mo masaya ka kasi alam mong may aasahan ka

miss ko nang mag-plano ng biyahe…

magpaplano na nga ako mamaya,

dun sa hindi pa ko nakakapunta…

miss ko nang tatay ko

sana buhay pa cya….

miss  ko na si Lord…

salbahe ako lately eh…

miss ko na sarili ko…

miss ko nang tumawa ng malakas…
grabe… miss ko na… 

There is this certain scene in my head that I have always hoped for and longed to experience. I would be ungrateful to say that I have never been in it, BUT I would be lying to ignore that I have never really captured the feeling which is the essence of what that dream is about.

Tonight for reasons only myself knows, I allowed myself to remember. I may not want the emotions that go along with some of these memories but they are just too strong to dispense with in this process of reminiscing.  I want to describe the scene to let my readers know the beauty that is worth remembering the pain for but I don’t want to expose the core of my being that could result to be taken advantaged of or worst, laughed at.

This piece of art would be as vague as possible to balance the need to express myself against the possibility of being scrutinized for having a simple dream by people too unfeeling and too unattached to care.

I just want to immortalize this night through this article to remind me that I have never lost the dream in my mind no matter how many times I tried to escape and soften the blow by saying that I am over it because it is as alive as the first day I acknowledged its existence.

I never know if this dream would ever be fulfilled as only my Lord knows the course of my path.  I am surrendering this dream to Him for he knows what’s best for me and would never question the absence of a response to my plea. 

But then again I would be lying to say that until I die… I would dream of this simple scene over and over until I can finally say that the essence of my dream at last exists.

i went to my kick boxing class again tonight after a month of absence and though i was D-Y-I-N-G (i will be sooooo sore tomorrow!), it felt really good to be back. my friends from class were all hugging and saying that they missed me… ;)  my 6 year old boyfriend Anthony was so happy when he saw me, his cute little eyes brightening and his arms went automatically to my neck… and he just shouted "where have you been????" while i was flirting with my little boyfriend, my coach who saw me from a distance was saying "what are you doing? why are you with that little boy instead of being here with us in class?" (yah right… men! a 25 year old jealous of a 6 year old… hehhee!!!) he asked me where i was the whole time and of course went back to his old habit of monitoring my moves, if I stop for a few seconds, he magically appears by my side and tells me to go on… my friends tease me that nothing changed even though I was away for a month… hahaha… 

I am just so glad to see them again and I realized that I now really have certified new friends outside of work that are not Filipinos…

Shu-shu!

My mother and sister are here with me for the holidays. Their first week was spent in exploring New York and the unplanned 3 day lay-over in Chicago. I can’t deny this has been one of the best times we have ever spent as my hearts flows with the thought that for the longest time they were the ones spending for me, now its my turn. There is only one thing missing though… there is nothing in the world that I would not give just so my father was with them with they when landed in LAX.  I would have loved to hug him until he could not breathe anymore… and look into his eyes that look exactly like mine and tell him "oh, bili na tayo ng bally mo!"

I miss you so much papa… nandito na sila mama at ate… si mama maraming patawa na I’m sure ikakagalit mo na naman kung nandito ka… I could just imagine your face… hehee… kamusta ka na dyan? Nasa langit ka na ba o nasa purgatoryo ka pa rin? Nga pala, now I know that you are still watching over me… thank you for being in my dream nung super sama ng loob ko lately lang… I was crying when I started telling Terry about the dream… basta I miss you so much and I am still looking forward to the day I die because I know it will be your face I will see first when I open my eyes in the after life…

I love you papa, Merry Christmas and be with me in 2007… forever kung pwede… until I am with you again…

how do i define life as its finest? this is what i am longing for right now…

I would give anything to be laying down on the beach with pristine white sand contouring to my body with a "turquoise blue waters view" and the sound of the waves that gives me peace… the sun shines on my back, no top just a string bikini… siping my favorite melon shake (without milk) and a perfectly knowing masseuse massaging my body…

I just want to get away from it all…

God PLEASE take me to the beach right now…

… peace of mind

… doubts to fade

… heart to believe

… fear to subside

… star to fall then placed on my hand

… hug from the one i love…

my life in the states is starting to become a routine… something that is really bad because it makes me restless and would make me long for a change… the only thing that makes me hold on to this life that i have right now is one being… my pepperchini.

i close my bedroom door when i sleep so she goes nuts!!#@%@% every morning when she starts hearing noises from my room and knows i am up… she scratches on my door and for the life of me cries helplessly… if she can only say something im sure she will be shouting "open this door bitch!!!" she wants to greet me good morning with 100 jumping jacks (hehe) and a lot of saliva from her kisses… but this ritual always makes me look forward to waking up in the morning… never fails to make me smile…

if at times mommy wants pay-back for days i wake her up early, she opens my door and lets pepper in… she zooms in and steps over my chest (ouch alright) then she licks me on the face… yep! i am definitely awake by this time… hehehe…

i love my pepperchini. i am so thankful that the Lord always finds a way to give me my heart’s deepest wishes (i have always wanted to have a dog again since i was a kid) and though i know that this arrangement is only temporary and that i will have to move one day, i will always look back at this time in my life with a smile and would always remember how she can jumps with all her might to kiss me to let me know that "erna i love you too…"

damn… my eyes are wet…

Every so-called coincidence or answered prayer is God’s way of letting you know He’s thinking of you.

By Squire Rushnell

I loved this article… look it up if you have time…

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/202/story_20207_1.html