pensées

i drove 280 miles from North Las Vegas to Irvine in 3 hours and 45 minutes… i am so proud of myself! thanks to Tim for leaving me no choice but to drive alone… he said that was a veteran time and was proud of me too…

you know, i honestly loved the drive. the sun was high and gave me a wonderful view of the mountains and the clouds was half white half blue… i loved the power of speeding (80-95 mph) and the way the cars on the left move to the right when they see me coming… right on sistah! hahaa… deng, thank God there was no police partol in site… i plugged in my ipod to barcie and i sang the ride away… i bet people on the other cars think i’m crazy but who cares, i was having a nice time listening to my favorites while trying my best not to kill myself…

1.28.07 - i am now officially a seasoned driver… good job, barcie!

miss ko nang mag-beach,

humiga sa sand ng walang pakialam

habang umiinom ng melon shake (without milk)

miss ko nang magpamasahe,

sa may salon namin ni ate…

miss ko nang ma-excite

yung pag-gising mo masaya ka kasi alam mong may aasahan ka

miss ko nang mag-plano ng biyahe…

magpaplano na nga ako mamaya,

dun sa hindi pa ko nakakapunta…

miss ko nang tatay ko

sana buhay pa cya….

miss  ko na si Lord…

salbahe ako lately eh…

miss ko na sarili ko…

miss ko nang tumawa ng malakas…
grabe… miss ko na… 

There is this certain scene in my head that I have always hoped for and longed to experience. I would be ungrateful to say that I have never been in it, BUT I would be lying to ignore that I have never really captured the feeling which is the essence of what that dream is about.

Tonight for reasons only myself knows, I allowed myself to remember. I may not want the emotions that go along with some of these memories but they are just too strong to dispense with in this process of reminiscing.  I want to describe the scene to let my readers know the beauty that is worth remembering the pain for but I don’t want to expose the core of my being that could result to be taken advantaged of or worst, laughed at.

This piece of art would be as vague as possible to balance the need to express myself against the possibility of being scrutinized for having a simple dream by people too unfeeling and too unattached to care.

I just want to immortalize this night through this article to remind me that I have never lost the dream in my mind no matter how many times I tried to escape and soften the blow by saying that I am over it because it is as alive as the first day I acknowledged its existence.

I never know if this dream would ever be fulfilled as only my Lord knows the course of my path.  I am surrendering this dream to Him for he knows what’s best for me and would never question the absence of a response to my plea. 

But then again I would be lying to say that until I die… I would dream of this simple scene over and over until I can finally say that the essence of my dream at last exists.

i went to my kick boxing class again tonight after a month of absence and though i was D-Y-I-N-G (i will be sooooo sore tomorrow!), it felt really good to be back. my friends from class were all hugging and saying that they missed me… ;)  my 6 year old boyfriend Anthony was so happy when he saw me, his cute little eyes brightening and his arms went automatically to my neck… and he just shouted "where have you been????" while i was flirting with my little boyfriend, my coach who saw me from a distance was saying "what are you doing? why are you with that little boy instead of being here with us in class?" (yah right… men! a 25 year old jealous of a 6 year old… hehhee!!!) he asked me where i was the whole time and of course went back to his old habit of monitoring my moves, if I stop for a few seconds, he magically appears by my side and tells me to go on… my friends tease me that nothing changed even though I was away for a month… hahaha… 

I am just so glad to see them again and I realized that I now really have certified new friends outside of work that are not Filipinos…

Shu-shu!