"The only way to avoid pain is not to love anyone, not to let anyone get too close or too important. The secret to not being hurt like this again, I decided, is never depending on anyone, never needing, never loving."
- Audre Lorde, She of Infinite Wisdom
love this quote… sobra…
I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. Many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. I get up each morning hoping, dreaming, longing to meet you. I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you were here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions. Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known "love". I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person…. and since I have not found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is!
You just don’t know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps, I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways! I don’t really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes.
I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me — the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice. After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect — for YOU! I wonder if you’ve gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you’ve been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don’t ever give up because I am right here… patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds by my love.
At night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait. And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life — and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you!
In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don’t even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions.
Don’t worry, don’t be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me .
i saw this movie that reminded me so much of my father… he left me in 2001 and decided not to talk to me again ever… he didnt even say goodbye. sometimes it hurts just to think that he never even bothered to wait for me before he had gone. i thought i was prepared for his departure, but i guess i never was ready… nor will i ever be ready to accept that no matter how loud i cry out his name again, he will no longer respond.. nor will i ever see his face again, nor have my head rest on his thighs and have him listen to all of my thoughts and dreams.
my heart is breaking right now because i miss him so much. i miss the way he makes fun of life… the way he makes me dream and pursue the best. i love the way he believed that i can make him fly one day… and buy him all the bally’s and florsheim shoes he wants… there is not a single time that i am shopping here in the states that i don’t look for things that i thought he might like… and try to bury the pain inside that i was never able to get here soon enough for me to buy him his dream shoes… or have him sit next to me on a plane to wherever he wants to go.
i know that i can never bargain with the Lord to bring him back… because i know that wherever he is right now, he doesnt care anymore for the shoes i could bring him… nor the travel abroad he never had… because now he has wings that can take him higher and higher with our creator insight… and i know this has been his ultimate dream.
papa… just so you know, i still think of you a lot… and miss your eyes that look like mine… i hope you still hear me when i call ur name at night and try to close my eyes to feel your presence… thank you for making me feel the princess that i am in your eyes and the love you have for me that i can still feel in my heart… thank you for telling me that you love me so many times that it will be enough until i see you again… and you could hug and tell me that again… you broke my heart when you left me… but i knew i broke your heart more because i know that you knew i would get mad at you for going… mama was right, you could have never had the heart to say good bye to me because i would have never let you go… so you better make sure that when i do get to where you are and close my eyes, it better be your face i see first or i would beat your head with my doll the last time you didnt give me what i wanted…
i love you so much papa utoy and i would never grow tired of loving you… you are a part of me that no one will ever replace… and there will be no one who will march in my wedding with me… because that place is rightfully yours alone… but in my heart i know you will be there so i will hold a spot for you when i do march and help me pray that the one i will marry be at least half the man you are to me…
forever your baby papa…
