how do you handle pain?
i turn on my favorite songs…. blast my ears away until i can no longer hear the throbbing of my heart… close my eyes… and then i am somewhere else…
in that place, everything else seems perfect…
a five minute conversation with my boyfriend’s nephew, Miguel or Miggie as we call him, made my day… in fact, that’s an understatement, he made my year…
"Auntie Erna, why did Uncle Dennis gave you flowers?" Miggie asked me this question while we were looking at pictures from my cellphone’s gallery. I said, " no reason Miggie…" I guess that answer was not sufficient for a 5-year-old so he asked me again, "but why?" So I had to stop for a second to think and then inspiration hit me, I was trying to avoid this answer because it sounded so cliche but heck, a five year old needed answers so I blurted out, " I guess maybe because he loves me…"
He looked at me with perplexed look and said, "but I love you too Auntie Erna, I will give you flowers tomorrow. Do you want white or pink flowers?" His innocent look of fear that he was not able to show me that he loves me touched my heart beyond anything I have felt in years. It is with the innocence of such declaration that makes it so powerful… pure and true.
I just sat there and looked at his eyes and carefully answered…"I like white Miggie… I like white…" with silent tears flowing from my heart.
i have always believed that if you do good, then good things will happen to you. that’s that. no if’s, no buts. your wishes, dreams and hopes will be considered by the universe and somehow, you will end up getting what you hoped for and most of the time, more than what you’ve hoped for.
sadly, i currently think that is too idealistic of me to conclude. why? well, let’s just say that the formula doesn’t seem to work now and sadly it has to be one of the things that i value the most.
MOFO, life is not fair.
i used to think that if i don’t hurt someone else, then there is no way that destiny will allow me to get hurt because of some cosmic reasoning (or should i call it karma) that i used to believe exists. now i just think that whatever happens to your life is meant to happen no matter how good or bad of a person you are… this is very painful for me to internalize because the decisions i made in my life has always been based on this principle. now moving forward, i am torn between believing that my principle was wrong and that i have no power whatsoever with my destiny…
any thoughts? i am so messed up right now…
this day marks my second year anniversay of residing here in the US… it is unfortunate, however, that it also marks the date of my first car accident. yep… an old car bumped my poor baby barcie on Culver in Irvine while I was on my way to get dinner at my favorite Mexican Chipotle Restaurant. aside from slamming on the steering wheel and a sore back, I am pretty much ok. my poor car though needs to be repaired. :( oh well, i guess things happen, I just have to be thankful somehow that the person who hit me was a good guy and admitted that it was his fault and there were really no major injuries. It just sucks because I have to rent a car, have barcie repaired, miss work (well, i won’t MISS work but i don’t have PTO either but insurance will take care of that) and I am a little bit shaken by what happened… whatever God’s plan is on this one, I leave it all up to Him… sometimes, things are just a blessing in disguise…
i am just so inlove with my islands… and so proud of them…
1. World’s 10 Best Scuba Spots (Coron, Palawan) http://www.forbestraveler.com/2007/08/07080701_story.html
2. Discover the world’s top 30 island beaches (Boracay Island) http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19634277/page/2
3. Top 10 Beaches of the World (2 spots go to Palawan)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2007/feb/16/beach.top10
4. World’s Hidden Paradise Beaches (El Nido, Palawan)
i just ended another audit engagement. its funny how most people celebrate, especially the ones in the accounting department, whenever my colleagues and i announce that this is our last day. hahaha… i dont blame them, i want to be out of that place too if someone was asking me to come up with a million schedules and supporting documents that was buried along with the tons of documents that a company has. i would NEVER want to be on the other side of what I am doing. i dont want ME being asked questions that happened a long time ago, trying to give reasons why the hell my company lost revenue or why we earned money.
when the time comes that i am fortunate enough to change jobs again, anything might happen.. but for sure, i will never ever be on the other side. i would alway prefer to be the one requesting for documents and making them look for answers with my questions. on that note, i hope they know that i am not that eager to ask them too much… its just my stinking explorer asks me to…
Last Wednesday, I had to go to the LA office for training. When I was sitting on the driver’s seat of Barcie, I remembered something important… I didn’t print on mapquest directions and I am not a 100% sure on how to get there without it. My first instinct was to get back to the house and print it… but I will be using a lot of my "save-me-traffic" minutes to do that. An inspiration struck me and I thought… "Oh, God please… I hope I still have that post-it the last time I went there…" So I looked.. and you know what? That old torned post-it was shining in my hands, giving me the directions to get to where I needed to go… and as always I can feel the Lord’s love through the little miracles I experience each day.
July 31, 2007. My performance manager said that i needed to complete my PAF but i would rather post a blog than do that as of the moment… hehehe.. (sorry, only GT employees would understand, too hard to explain to others…)
I haven’t blogged in a while. busy season, too much going on with my life, excuses, excuses… i was very pleased when a friend of mine said that i should start posting something again because it has been awhile and he said that a lot of my friends actually look forward to reading my stories… for all of you who take the time to read my thoughts, this write-up is for you!
so… what have i been up to recently? i am back from a month long vacation from my hometown, Manila, and this has got to be one of the craziest vacations i EVER took and for the life of me, i cannot say in detail why 
hahaha… so much for updates huh?
you might think "a month?! wow!" i’m telling you that there are 4 sets of friends that are probably cursing me right now because i wasnt able to meet them. half of the time i was out of town enjoying, of course, my beaches. what is a trip home without going to one and getting the bikini tan line that i have lost for quite sometime now. I went to Boracay, stayed at the waling waling hotel and kudos to the management, service was awesome! It was worth the price and I wouldnt have wanted my vacation any other way except that I would have LOVED it if i was sexier than what the pictures are showing… hehehe…
i also went to dumaguete and cebu… dumaguete, to be with my travel buddy saneth and to visit Jo’s chicken inato… yum yum! Paa and buko shake… worth the trip… of course i passed by Apo Island and its a beautiful as i remember it. This trip was more special though because i was able to snorkle in the marine sanctuary that i had been dying to see for a long time. My first trip to that island deprived me of the chance to do that because of bad weather and since the coast was very rocky, the manong said i would probably die trying to go to the sea… Anyway, it was beautiful! As i was looking down on the live corals and multicolored display of different species of fishes, I knew my Lord was talking to me again… and my heart was just crying out of humbleness and gratefulness for the gift of being present in one of my favorite places on earth.
I went to Cebu so I could visit the Basilica of the Sto. Nino and to meet my former San Miguel friends… it was so good to see them! No beaches this time because I was there for less than 24 hours… I just HAD to visit the shrine and pray for this certain wish that I am dying to be answered. I KNOW it will be given to me, its just a matter of when… My Lord never fails to give me the best and if its not the best, somehow it will be made known to me the reason why i didnt get it… but this one wish, I know this is for me and I have no doubt about it.
For all of the other days, i was meeting my friends almost everynight… it was just great to see them again… that was what the Philippines was about, my family, long time friends, my beaches and the FOOD!
So… what is different with this trip that I took recently with all of my other million trips in the islands? The feeling of emptiness and longing has been lifted from my heart… i no longer have to cry looking out the window because i have a seat available next to me… no longer wondering where the hell he was and when he will ever be joining my next excursion… this time, someone was seating beside me, stealing my attention from the window that used to monopolize my attention… there were imperfections in the scenery but it was what i have pictured it was going to be… it finally felt like it was at last home.
for the first time in my life, someone was holding my hand the entire trip and from the way he was holding me, i feel that this hand never intends to let go…
heto na naman… maaga magising kasi hindi ka mapakali…
gusto mo na kasing tapusin, hindi mo naman matapos…
kasi ang daming iniisip…kairita…
sana pwedeng ganun lang kadali…
sana…
i have never talked about him though he has been in my life for quite some time now… i guess i was never ready to answer questions about him… about us. today, i just felt the need to show his picture to my friends to announce that he is the one who makes me look forward to tomorrow and to forever.
baby, I know that we have been through so many things and in a short span of time, I know for sure that what we have is something more permanent than what others think we might have. I know i don’t owe anyone any explanations because what we feel is something even you and I cannot fathom. I can’t wait to be with you again and I appreciate your decision to leave everything behind to be with me. I promise you my whole life and I will show you everyday that I am worth giving up your dreams for. I will in my own way give you your dream of having a happy family, your dream destinations and a life you would not regret having. You are God’s gift to me and I will never do anything in my power to turn you away. I love how your family accepts and loves me and I can’t wait to wear the same surname you have.
I love you dennis. hug you tight baby ko…
